something’s missing

sometimes it’s hard waking up. no matter how hot the shower is, or how many cups of coffees i drink, some days i’m just groggy.

i feel like i’ve been groggy for a few years now.

the young look at the old and evaluate how lost they are. they seem so far from ideals, passion. but the old (myself included) are not oblivious to those same things, we just don’t know how to get them back.

so we walk around in a groggy state, reacting to whatever life throws at us in the moment.

dreams seem pointless because what will happen, will happen.
people are not predictable, so we learn not to expect things from them.
sometimes i think the old are more disillusioned than the young.

we don’t hope to change the world, because we realize how complex the world really is. we realize how corrupt it is to the core. and how small our voice is.

and so we begin to believe that change can’t happen.
we even start to believe it can’t happen with us.
we keep losing the same 10 pounds.
we keep doing the same things every day.
and for some of us, the attempts to change our lives have been momentary. until we eat that dessert or flip on the TV, or respond angrily—again.

and at the core of that is something that i believe i miss every day.

it’s the power of the Holy Spirit.

i live my life as if every good decision, every good choice, every good response makes me more Christlike.

i live my life as if i’m in it alone.

there is no mystery. there is no supernatural.

it’s all about me and others. the ways i respond to people, and the ways i respond to the truths i know.

it’s like the pendulum swung too far in the opposite direction.
it’s like we saw the people who stood still, and didn’t respond to the Gospel and waited for God to “move” them and said, “just start moving.”

and there’s truth in that.

but somewhere along the way, i forgot that i’m not in this alone. i forgot that there is mystery. there are things much deeper than what i see and know.

that my response to world goes so far beyond what i ought to do, should do.

i acknowledge mystery in words. it gives me a response to things i don’t know.

but i don’t live with mystery, realizing there is a God who responds to me and others in ways i don’t always get.

and i secretly long for that kind of God to come in and sweep me off my feet.
i want that God to overwhelm me.
i want that God to capture my heart, not just my head.
and i believe that God shows up when in the form of the Holy Spirit in my life.

i miss the Holy Spirit.
i miss feeling God.
i miss being overwhelmed by His presence instead of just knowing He is there.
i believe the Holy Spirit is the romancer of my soul.
but beyond that, He is the One who shows me that this life is more than just how i respond or what i do.
He gives me a glimpse of a God who is big. unexplainable.

contents on this site are © 2011 tim walker. all rights reserved. for permission to reprint or publish this content elsewhere, please contact me through this blog.

 

image courtesy of flickr.com/creative commons

4 Responses

  1. I guess I’m a little shocked by this post. You aren’t old. You aren’t 70. *I* am.

    It’s not a matter of getting ideals and passion back, it’s a matter of moving forward from where you are. It’s a matter of blooming where you are planted. It’s a matter of seeing with God’s eyes and hearing with God’s ears and representing Him to the best of your ability every single day.

    Sometimes (like after reading your post) I think the young (you) are more disillusioned than the old (me).

    God *has* swept you off your feet. God *has* overwhelmed you. God *has* captured your heart.

    I am not going to change the world. Neither are you. God is. We are just small parts of his infinite plan, and no, we will never be able to understand it.

    Of course the Holy Spirit is the romancer of your soul, just as you are the romancer of Jennifer. But love is more than the romance. Love is getting up in the middle of the night with a sick child and working together and praying together and doing the dishes and yes, even yelling at each other. It’s about commitment, come what may. You are committed to God the Holy Spirit and He is committed to you. That doesn’t mean you get goose bumps or chills up and down your spine every moment of your life (regardless of what Pentecostals want to believe).

    I am not just mouthing platitudes here. I am talking to myself as much as to you. But the older I get the more grateful I find myself becoming for each new day, for life, for breath, for the opportunities that still come my way. Yes, still, at 70. They may not be exactly what I envisioned when I was 20. But they’re all part of God’s plan.

    How can you miss the Holy Spirit when He is so much a part of your life, of who you are? Feelings will come. Feelings will go. Love is forever.

    Of course something is missing. Something will always be missing until we get to Heaven, until we see Jesus face to face, until we know even as we are known. Until then, we must trust and let Him lead. Even to places we didn’t expect to be. He has his reasons, and they are all wrapped up in His love for you.

    End of sermon. I feel like Caleb encouraging Joshua.

  2. definitely some challenging words, bob. especially as they relate to “feeling vs knowing.” and that is very much a part of what i wrote. but another part is that don’t rely on the Holy Spirit as much as i use too. i tend to go through my daily life living life on my own wisdom, my own practicality, and not necessarily leaning into the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

    i appreciate the spirit with which these words were written. and i also greatly appreciate the empathy you’ve expressed.

    it’s not hopeless. definitely. but there are times when i miss “feeling” the Holy Spirit in my life instead of just knowing. i miss an altar. i miss being on my face before God. i miss those supernatural moments with God. but then again there’s another side where i realize i can’t live in those moments all the time. that life is about living out what i know i should do, and not just seeking out what God can do for me next.

    and i guess i just long for a balance since the pendulum has seemed to swing in the other direction.

  3. God has not withdrawn Himself from you. He trusts you to do what He has taught you. He sees how much you have learned. The teacher doesn’t lean over the student’s desk once the lesson has been learned. Also, I would remind you that the teacher doesn’t talk during the testing phase.

    I think also the enemy tries to make us believe that God has left us to fight the battles ourselves in our own strength. Nothing could be further from the truth. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He’s there with you now. He’s here with me.

    You don’t have to miss an altar. You don’t have to miss being on your face before God. Find a quiet place and just do it. It doesn’t have to be in a church building. Go back to Bethel. You know the way. It may feel unfamiliar at first, even phony. But it is real.

    I will now shut up and try to heed my own advice.

    I love you, Tim Walker.

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