sometimes it’s hard waking up. no matter how hot the shower is, or how many cups of coffees i drink, some days i’m just groggy.
i feel like i’ve been groggy for a few years now.
the young look at the old and evaluate how lost they are. they seem so far from ideals, passion. but the old (myself included) are not oblivious to those same things, we just don’t know how to get them back.
so we walk around in a groggy state, reacting to whatever life throws at us in the moment.
dreams seem pointless because what will happen, will happen.
people are not predictable, so we learn not to expect things from them.
sometimes i think the old are more disillusioned than the young.
we don’t hope to change the world, because we realize how complex the world really is. we realize how corrupt it is to the core. and how small our voice is.
and so we begin to believe that change can’t happen.
we even start to believe it can’t happen with us.
we keep losing the same 10 pounds.
we keep doing the same things every day.
and for some of us, the attempts to change our lives have been momentary. until we eat that dessert or flip on the TV, or respond angrily—again.
and at the core of that is something that i believe i miss every day.
it’s the power of the Holy Spirit.
i live my life as if every good decision, every good choice, every good response makes me more Christlike.
i live my life as if i’m in it alone.
there is no mystery. there is no supernatural.
it’s all about me and others. the ways i respond to people, and the ways i respond to the truths i know.
it’s like the pendulum swung too far in the opposite direction.
it’s like we saw the people who stood still, and didn’t respond to the Gospel and waited for God to “move” them and said, “just start moving.”
and there’s truth in that.
but somewhere along the way, i forgot that i’m not in this alone. i forgot that there is mystery. there are things much deeper than what i see and know.
that my response to world goes so far beyond what i ought to do, should do.
i acknowledge mystery in words. it gives me a response to things i don’t know.
but i don’t live with mystery, realizing there is a God who responds to me and others in ways i don’t always get.
and i secretly long for that kind of God to come in and sweep me off my feet.
i want that God to overwhelm me.
i want that God to capture my heart, not just my head.
and i believe that God shows up when in the form of the Holy Spirit in my life.
i miss the Holy Spirit.
i miss feeling God.
i miss being overwhelmed by His presence instead of just knowing He is there.
i believe the Holy Spirit is the romancer of my soul.
but beyond that, He is the One who shows me that this life is more than just how i respond or what i do.
He gives me a glimpse of a God who is big. unexplainable.
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