(originally posted in 2013)
i don’t like “how” i am right now.
i’m too sensitive.
i’m too up and down.
i feel weak.
i feel helpless.
i feel angry.
i feel alone.
it’s inconsistent with the rest of my life.
there’s something about this time, this place that brings out the worst in me.
and i can’t determine if it’s Satan, or if it’s God.
is God doing something in me, and i’m just reacting poorly.
or is Satan doing something, and i am falling for every snare.
have you been there?
all it takes is one email to throw me into a panic.
all it takes is one comment, or lack of a comment, to change my mood.
one mistake and i think everything’s ruined. that it’s all going to come crashing down, like some jumbo-sized jenga game.
i really should be more assured.
i know who i am.
i know what i’m good at.
i have a family who loves me and believes in me.
yet, i’m so up and down right now.
i need to find solid ground. i need to hang on when everything is shaking.
even if the only thing that is shaking is me.
every reaction isn’t true.
every response may not be accurate.
and i realize that right now, i can’t trust what i feel.
i have to lean into what i know.
and i know that despite how uncertain, how insecure i feel, there is a place where Someone is certain, secure.
i place one foot on the Rock that doesn’t move.
and i hold on.
i hold on to every promise, every truth.
i hold on to every Scripture, every declaration.
i hold on to every lyric of a song that seems to speak directly to my heart.
i hold on to it becomes a part of me. surrounds me. until it gives me solid ground.
i don’t trust my perceptions right now. i don’t trust the illusions, the lies, the paranoia.
i trust the only thing that is quake-proof, the Rock that is never shaken.
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