i wear nerdy glasses when i read, graphic tees, levis and converse. that’s my outfit of choice. by my own definition, i’m a hipster/geek on a budget.

well, maybe in style only.

i don’t think i’m that hipster because i also drink whatever coffee is on sale, love comic books and listen to contemporary Christian music.

if i was a true hipster, i would only listen to obscure bands, or even bands that were more edgy than Christian music from the 90s or 00s. but that’s just how i like to roll sometimes. i even have a playlist in my iTunes called “old school CCM.”

the other day, as i was listening to some Avalon, yes, i said it. i still listen to Avalon sometimes. i’ve been known to play some BeBe and CeCe, Susan Ashton, Cindy Morgan, old school Smitty and more.

and there was a lyric that just hit me like a ton of bricks. actually probably hit more like flying grass clippings because i was pushing a lawn mower at the time.

i was listening to the song “come and fill my heart.” and the words were:

Free, I long to be free
I long for the day I believe
That all you say you see in me is true
That’s hard for me to do
It’s hard for me to die to myself
And trust my life to someone else

now granted, i realize that i may have violated a couple of copyright laws quoting that much of the song, but i’m hoping that your curiosity will result in a couple of iTunes purchases to offset that offense.

but that’s not my point.

those lines hit me hard.

you see, when the Bible talks about dying to ourselves, decreasing so Christ can increase, etc, i’ve always assumed that meant that i fight off these things within me that everyone talks about changing:

• my arrogance
• my pride
• my selfish nature
• lust
• any other sin.

but until i heard those lyrics, i never thought of another way i’m asked to die to myself. i’m asked to die to my misconceptions.

my twisted perspective.
my tendency to believe lies about who i am.
i’m asked to die to the false me, the me i so easily believe.

that’s hard for me to do. i so easily believe the worst. i see the worst. it’s my default switch. and my tendency is to simply say, “well that’s who i really am. i’m analytical.” but i know that’s an excuse.

because there’s something wrong about not seeing myself for who i really am.
it’s something enslaving. delusional. even defiant of God.

it’s saying, i believe in You, but in that one area, You don’t know what you’re talking about.

now i realize this is a choice, a decision i’m going to have to make when my default drifts toward the warped perception.

but it’s a choice i need to make more often.

not because i need to have better self-esteem, but because i want to be free.

and i also want to quit calling God a liar. it’s a way i need to die to myself, and in the words of Avalon, “trust my life to someone else.”