i leak.

yeah, that’s kind of awkward. don’t start emailing me depends coupons. this isn’t one of those “hidden secrets of your 40s” thing like your eyes change or that you ache a little bit when you get out of bed.

but i have this problem, i leak emotion.

now i know that most people think it’s a really good thing for a guy to show emotion.
but the problem is i leak all over the place.

it happens often. for example, a few weeks ago, i had a very emotional week, with some parent drama. the kind of stuff you just don’t get until you’re a parent and realize how ill-equipped you are to handle something.

i was mad. i was mad at my son, because i felt like he was forcing my hand to do something i didn’t want to do. his actions were forcing me to hold out a potential  consequence i knew he had to face in order to grow. and i was so ticked because i didn’t want to do it. i wanted to extend grace. i wanted to give him mercy. but i also knew he wouldn’t take his actions seriously unless i held out this consequence.

so i leaked. i leaked all over his brothers. i saw a pair of shoes on the floor that weren’t put up where they should go, and i leaked out my anger and frustration.
i leaked all over my wife.
i leaked all over the house.
then the next day i leaked all over a co-worker. she said something that offended me, so i went off on her big time. completely over-reacted.

and this isn’t just a one-time thing. i do this a lot.

a friend pointed this out to me at the beginning of the year. he told me i leaked. i thought he was being a jerk.
but he was right.

i would like to think i’m a man of mystery. but the reality is that what i’m feeling is really easy to detect. just be around me long enough, and i’ll leak it all over the place. the only thing mysterious is the reason behind it. sometimes i’m really good at hiding that—or i’m just oblivious to it.

but i hold a lot of things inside. i tolerate things or think i’m letting things that bother me waft by—but the reality is that they don’t all pass by, sometimes they build up. and my efforts to be easy-going or even avoid dealing with something come back to bite me.

and then my cup runs over—and not with joy and goodness.
instead, it’s with venom, bitternness, frustration, anger.

it even happens with the stuff that i’m worried or anxious about. i know i shouldn’t fret about those things, that i should lean into God. but instead i just stuff them down and they spill out in conversation in all kinds of awkward ways. whether it’s parenting or finances or work, if you catch me at just the right time, i may leak out what’s troubling me.

so if i’ve leaked you, i’m sorry.

if i’m around you, and i’m leaking all over the place, there’s probably a lot more going on than the current situation.
that’s not an excuse. merely a glimpse at a very ugly place in my heart.

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