i think i was kidnapped and brainwashed at some point. i might even be a robot.
for example, last week i was just going through a normal day, and the following words popped in my head, “i’m only four feet eleven, but i’m going to heaven, and it makes me feel ten feet tall.”
now for those of you who didn’t grow up listening to contemporary christian music (ccm as some of us like to call it), those lyrics are to song a dorothy hamill-cut blonde named evie from the 1970s. she was a short woman (hence the lyrics), and me—always being the shortest in my class and ending up on the front row in the class photo—resonated with these powerful words.
(it’s also why i was very angry at randy newsman’s “short people” song that declared that short people had no reason to live. but he redeemed himself with the toy story soundtrack. water under the bridge, randy, water under the bridge.)
now i don’t know why that particular song popped in my head on that particular day. it was like i was programmed for that moment and that time. somehow, evie, in her diminutive, but powerful way, used the record album (yes, i said album) in the 1970s to plant a seed in my brain that would somehow grow and blossom on one particular day in 2011. she’s an evil genius.
i’m not even short anymore. in fact i’m a solid foot taller than that, but somehow evie got in my brain.
but evie isn’t the only reason i think i’m a robot. this random song thing happens often.
every time i get on the treadmill, the song “my humps” by the black eyed peas fills my brain.
when i walk down a hallway on a day that i know i look good (you know you have those days), “ain’t no other man” by christina aguilera is my internal soundtrack.
and every stinking friday morning, that rebecca black song reminds me that “it’s friday.”
so i must be some kind of robot, or cyborg, or at the very least, a brain-washed manchurian candidate who spouts off random song lyrics like a bing commercial on tv.
so if you see my lips moving, or hearing me humming a tune to myself, just keep walking. i’m not sure you really want to name that tune.
and if you mock me, i’ll use my robot laser eyes to blast you. consider yourself warned.
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